I have talked to people who have dealt with self-hate, and as someone who has dealt with it myself, I can say that I have never heard or encountered someone who wakes up one morning and says: I desire to hate myself. Self-hate is not something that happens overnight, and it isn’t something that you plan on your calendar.
So, where did it come from?
Don’t be surprised if I tell you that certain things happen to you in life just to make you question your identity, values, and purpose. Besides, I’m sure we can all agree that self-hate is a false belief system of self that doesn’t come from God. What kind of creator God would be if He were to create His children just for them to hate themselves? Bad things happen to all of us because we live in a fallen world. And sometimes horrible things happen in our lives that we don’t even have the language for. Things that we are not proud of and chapters that, if we were the author, we would rewrite in a heartbeat. I have discovered that in order for a book to be well-written, it needs all its chapters because each chapter leads to the next. And if you give someone a good book and tear some of the chapters of that book before you give it to him, that person will be confused about the narratives in the book. I believe the same concept applies in our lives, which means that all chapters are necessary, however unpleasant they may be.
The question is, why does God even allow these chapters?
I wish I had the perfect answer to that question. However, I feel like sometimes God uses our chapters to help us reflect. And some chapters won’t make sense until you go to the previous chapters. At times, it is when we look back at the chapters of our lives, we realize that things start to make a little bit more sense.
Another thing I have realized is that we all have experienced self-dislike in some shape or form. For some of us, these feelings may start because of what someone said to us in the past. Someone else might become shy because someone told him that he will never amount to anything. For someone else, comparison may be a struggle because she feels less than, because she struggles with rejection. And many others suffer from low self-worth because they were marginalized, mistreated, or molested. He or she might struggle with a lack of confidence as a result of previous failures, whether in business or in relationships. I have noticed that some people suffer from self-dislike at a more intense level than others. Also, those who experience this on a more intense level often have an assignment that requires a certain level of confidence. As I mentioned, self-hate or self-dislike is a false belief of oneself that can and will eventually impact every area of their life if it is not eradicated.
Therefore, how can we eliminate the false perception of oneself?
Have you ever looked at a wall and said to yourself that this wall not only needs a wash but a good scrubbing? The type of scrubbing that requires you to take things down or even move some things around because it is that dirty. You might schedule a 30-minute cleaning session, yet after an hour, you are still scrubbing. And that is because some stuff can’t be removed with light cleaning. Some things can only be cleaned through persistent deep cleaning. Therefore, the only way to remove a false belief in oneself is through persistent examination and deep cleaning. Just as the faulty belief system didn’t happen overnight, the deep cleaning will not happen overnight.
Where do we go for a deep cleaning?
There was a time when Jesus was talking to His disciples in John 15:3-4, and He said to them, “You are already clean because of the Word I have spoken to you. Remain in Me, as I also remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; It must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in Me.”
There is something I want to point out from that verse, which I think is important for the sake of this topic. And that is when Jesus told them that they were already clean because of the Word that He had spoken over them. The thing is that the disciples didn’t even know that they were being cleansed by being in the presence of Jesus and the Word He had spoken over them. This is very comforting, and it brings us to the next point that I think is important to discuss. There is a myth that one must be in the best shape to talk to God. I suggest that when one is at their lowest, it is indeed the best time to talk to God. Also, it is worth pointing out this other concept that one must shout throughout the entire prayer, or else the prayer won’t be effective. I beg to differ. If that were the case, there wouldn’t be any hope for those who experience low moments or those who go through depression.
May I suggest to you that even your thought can be a prayer. Have you ever seen God answer something you were just thinking about but never mentioned out loud? God doesn’t let us know that He can read hearts and minds to brag about Himself. He already knows who He is and what He can do. However, God lets us know about His power over hearts and minds so we can know that no matter how low we get, He will pick us up.
Please do not get me wrong, praying out loud is necessary, rebuking the devil is a must, and even having public prayers when need be. However, the point that I want to make is that just like God can hear loud or public prayers, He can also hear an open heart, a crying soul, wordless/silent prayers, and thoughts. Before we get deeper into this, let’s briefly consider how someone feels when they are at their lowest point.
When we are sad, depressed, or when we feel worthless, the truth is, we don’t really want to talk about it. And why is that? Because it is not a chapter we want to expose, and honestly, we don’t even want it written in the book, right? That’s understandable, and that is why we always encourage people to go to therapy or counseling, etc. I’m not against that at all, and these are some of the things we should do. However, I am talking about the time when the therapy session doesn’t even cross your mind, and you are at your lowest. When you feel like you and your husband/wife, your kids, or even your phone are miles away, though, they might be right next to you. Where the enemy tries to completely captivate your mind. What do you do then? My point is that there is still hope because Jesus hears you even when you can’t utter a word.
Just like when you keep thinking about someone, and suddenly, that person sends you a text as if they knew you were thinking about them, this concept is even more effective with Jesus. Also, have you ever heard of someone saying that they were about to harm themselves, and all of a sudden someone just walked into the room, or the phone just rang without them doing anything?
When you are at your lowest, the first thing to do is to connect with the Lord in your heart and mind. The beauty of it all is that you can still call on the Lord in your heart and mind, even if no word can come out or if you don’t even know how and where to begin the prayer. The moment you make the kingdom of God your Source of deliverance, help is already there, and God Himself will intervene however He sees fit. Whether it is by having the kids pop in the room, or the counselor just thought of you and randomly gives you a call to see how you are doing.
Also, there is one example of the Bible that God brings to my remembrance concerning facing a battle in silence, and it is the story of Jericho. God asked Joshua to march around the city once with all the armed men for six days. And then they ought to have seven priests carry trumpets of rams’ horns in front of the ark. On the Seventh day, that’s when they need to march around the city seven times with the priest blowing the trumpets. (Joshua 6: 2-5)
Can you imagine them facing a battle for six days without saying a word, until the seventh day of that battle? It could have been easy for them to think that this isn’t going to work, yet that was an instruction from God.
I remember a time when I went through a tough season in my life, and I kept praying to God, and the prayer went something like this: “God, where are you? God, please let me feel your presence because I can’t seem to feel your presence or hear you. God, are you still here with me? God…! God…!”
I will never forget, as I remain silent for a while after saying all these things, I hear a soft voice. God spoke in my spirit and gave me a revelation. I sat in front of my bed, head down between my knees and eyes closed, literally about to lose it. And in the silence, I heard Him say, “Take a deep breath slowly and release it slowly.” After I did what He told me to do, He said:
“Do this a few times,” and as I breathe in and out slowly, I started hearing my breath while my head was still between my knees. Then He said, “The sound of breath you hear is not your breath, it is Mine.”
So, what was God trying to reveal to me here?
The thing is, I was so worried about whether or not God was with me in the situation that I couldn’t even perceive the truth. So, if the breath I hear is not my sound but God’s, then how close is He? So here I was trying to hear God and feel God’s presence in a supernatural way, when God is not even a breath away because He’s been within me all along. So, I say all this to say that even if you can’t say a word, God can still hear you because He is within you. When you feel too low to even utter a word, call on Jesus with all your heart and mind, and Jesus will meet you right where you are. You can still call on Him even when you have no more strength and nothing left to give Him but your heart. When you are on empty as empty can be, this is the best time to connect with God. If you recognize Him as your Source or if you go back to the One from whom your help is coming, God will be your present help in time of trouble. Scripture says in Psalm 34:18, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”
Lastly, let’s consider what can happen in the presence of God?
Scripture says, in the presence of God, there is liberty, and in His presence there is fullness of joy and so much more (Psalm 16:11). If every time you feel discouraged or you don’t feel good about yourself you throw yourself in the presence of God as your antidote, your chains will be broken and anything that has kept you bound will have to let you go.
Sometimes, your deliverance may not happen immediately because you are being cleansed in His presence. The words He speaks over you are scrubbing down all impurities from your mind and heart. In addition, He will build you, prune you, and do some inner work in you while you are in His presence. On the other hand, you may experience an immediate breakthrough. Or God can allow you to go through a step-by-step process, which can be followed by a sudden breakthrough. It all depends on how God sees fit to get you out of what has been holding you down for so long. But one certain thing is that in His presence, deliverance is guaranteed. You will not only experience deliverance from identity confusion, but also many other blessings that words cannot contain.
So, let’s remain at Jesus’ feet!
SCRIPTURES
“As she kept on praying to the Lord, Eli observed her mouth. Hannah was praying in her heart, and her lips were moving, but her voice was not heard. Eli thought she was drunk.” 1 Samuel 1:12-13
“In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us through wordless groans.” Romans 8:26
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